Tag Archives: humour

So What if I touched it?

6 Aug

You know how at times you just want to do something crazy that people do not expect from you? Well that happened to me today when I was in town about to go for lunch with my sister.

There are these old messed up payphones in the streets that I have always been seeing around but never paid that much attention to for as long as I could remember. Well today as I was walking by I suddenly got the idea of taking a picture near one and pretending to be making a call.

I got so excited about the whole thing and begged my sister to quickly take some fun pictures. Obviously she agreed and we had a laugh about it all. The other people in the street well let’s just say they looked at us like a couple of crazy people. (Screw them). It made the experience that much more fun anyway.

Being the sharing freak that I am I immediately shared the pictures on Facebook and while some of my friends found it funny that anyone can still use a pay phone in this day and age others found it “gross” and “disturbing”.

Okay fine, maybe the thing hasn’t been used in like decades or whatever but come on it was a cool picture.

-Dee

Advertisements

The Assassination Of Cupid

6 Feb

die cupidFirst of all, before, I even begin I would  like to say that just in case this blog post is full of typos and grammar that makes you wonder if I ever went to school or if i am normal, it is not my fault.

For starters ever since we (students of a certain university) went on vacation, I have rediscovered my love of books and the internet so I rarely sleep or eat as much my mother would like. Unhealthy and a bad habit I know but it can not be helped. I would say it is insomnia but that would be a lie because mostly it is by my own doing that I do not sleep.  I just do not want to sleep, simple and straight forward. And thanks to my new best friend coffee, I don’t. Unless I absolutely have to.

All this leads me to spending each day looking and walking like a zombie and since I spend most of my time in my room on my laptop, no one gets scared by my appearance. Which is all really good, because the last thing I want is to be scaring people. And well we can blame the bad “postmanship” (I hope that exists) on that for now.

Okay, now I have forgotten where I was going with all of this.

Right, back to the issue at hand, love, romance, valentine’s day, cupid and the many other things that give me a headache (not all the time, but enough times). Okay enough of the hate, right? stay with me this post actually has some sense in it in the end.

You know how they say “You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose but you can not pick who you love”, like it is some miracle and action you have no control over? Well I guess there is some sense in that nonsense. You can see it in the way we end up with the most unlikely people, people we never thought we could br friends with, let alone lovers.

I would like to think that every person has their dream guy or girl, then how do you explain ending up with someone who is the total opposite of that? The answer I think is cupid. That winged bastard likes to play cruel jokes on people and probably even laughs about it as he watches, like a really bad episode of Jerry Springer. A while back I used to think he does his evil magic with that cute bow and arrow of his, but now I have reason to think he upgraded his arsenal and bought a freaking machine gun and a bazooka. No one is same. No one. try blocking a shot a bazooka with a bullet proof vest. Its like people just keep falling in and out of love, like it isn’t bad enough that celebrities do it now it is becoming a trend everywhere and with almost everyone. Its disgusting. I say this because how else can we explain what happens on Facebook these days?

exhibit A

You log into Facebook on monday and see a changed relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship with____”, first thought that comes to your mind, “wow, someone is going out with toothless wonder Jane”. Everyone comments and likes and it’s a good monday I guess as far as Mondays go.

Tuesday comes and it’s all love updates from the new couple, you know the type “I miss him”, “I love him”, ” blah blah”, (I am a culprit with such..love updates all the time like a love struck teenager. I am so ashamed admitting this so do not laugh)

Then the good stuff starts to happen by thursday when the relationship status changes to “its complicated”, by that time you get out your popcorn because you know its drama time soon. unnecessary drama if I might add.

Sunday and it “went from its complicated to single”, what the hell? and then you have updates like ” all men/women are the same”, “F### this, I am too cute to be crying over a spineless jerk” and my personal favourite “fu Screw love, I am tired of trying”

Three days later and its the start of the cycle..again.

Now from this you can tell that something is wrong, obviously cupid has been shooting so many people at a go that, by the time you are done you would have gone through the cycle like a hundred times. And if you are the “has sex with every boyfriend” type, by the time it is boyfriend #25 you will be smuggling midgets in your Vag “Unmentionable”.

exhibit B

Dating two or more people at the same time, why the hell do you need to do that? Who do you think you are, Casanova? I am not going to go into religious territory, because lets face it, that is how wars begin. i am just going to say, umm “AIDS IS REAL” and “I hope you like herpes”. Two-timing douche.

Cheating[1]

And before we put the blame on the guys and probably start a war of the sexes, note that females can be just as guilty too. (Case closed)

Cheating Girl Friend[1]

And what is worse is still seeing him/her even when you freaking know he is with someone else, if it is someone you know then I think you have issues. Go see a shrink or something. Back stabbing freak. (Make sure the knife is clean at least before you use it)

You give love a bad name.

From all this we can see that, the only way to save the world is to go on a non stop search for the winged fat little guy and its off with his head. Okay I realise I am being very mean right now, and probably going to be arrested for putting the idea of assassination in people’s heads but please you have got to agree with me on this one. CUPID HAS GOT TO GO.

The Month Of Love Is Here

5 Feb

love2[1]

Ah february, the month of love, single people’s worst nightmare and home of valentine’s Day. It is that month when people stop fearing being struck by lightning and wear red, when the streets look like TOMATO PLANET and mismatched couples walk hand in hand looking like love struck retards. If you have a weak stomach, you will be sick for most of this month at the level of PDA you will be seeing.

Love will be in the air and unless you are immune to it, I suggest buying a gas mask or going into quarantine. Because once you catch it, you will no longer be yourself. There are a number of things that will change about you and you will think you have lost your mind. Come to think of it I think you will. Here is just a preview of what you will become:

  • You will be losing sleep thinking about them.
  • Seeing them will make you heart beat fast and your stomach will feel funny.
  • You will stop thinking about yourself and just trying to do things that will make not just you happy, but the both of you.
  • You will find yourself wanting to text them and finding out how they are and some other stuff like that.
  • You will be missing them, even if you just saw them the day before and want to hang out…even if you are just sitting there doing nothing in their arms,it will give you joy. Talk about being weird
  • At times when you see them talking to some one else and enjoying it, you will feel this emotion, I think its called jealousy.
  • You may not mind things you used to mind before, like kissing, drinking from the same bottle they just used and ew even worse, use the same tooth-brush.
  • If you are a quiet person, you will find that you are telling them things you have never told anyone else because you TRUST them.
  • You will start enjoying things like laying on the ground looking at the clouds with them, or even stars. Getting soaked by the rains and not be upset.

I am telling you, by the time you are done, you will not recognise the person you have become.

Just like th people in the pictures below:

note book cute aww

I realise that I am like, five days late with this post but, what the heck right? It’s not like you are all even excited, with most of us (I use “us” because saying “you” would just be mean right?), yeah so with most of us being either single or in relationship with our fridges, beds and laptops , its understandable why we dread this month. That one in the year when being single never felt so awkward, we should be calling it “SINGLES AWARENESS DAY” instead of Valentine’s Day. Yeah I said.

Please if you are a freakishly #TeamValentinesDay person do not kill me, because from now until the 15, I will dedicate my blog to nothing but trashing, making fun of and maybe just maybe giving advice on what I know about love.. (Don’t expect too much, I know next to nothing about it…I probably even know more about rocket science than love). This blog will be “love central” and valentine’s day heaven but with a twist because I WILL be cruel or funny depending on what I have for breakfast.

Like for example;

This will put me in a good mood (Good luck to me having this for breakfast, what is this heaven?).

OR

 This will put me in a foul mood… ew are those bugs?? *feels sick*

Now before you come up with a ridiculous conclusion as to while I am going to be making fun of valentines day, let me just clarify some things.

  1. No, I am not a bitter single lady who is doing this to make herself feel better about spending it alone.
  2. No, I was not once dumped on valentine’s day such that now the thought of celebrating it makes me want to barf or worse Choosing to be institutionalised and then medicated to the point where I forget my own name, just so I can not think about valentine’s day.
  3. No, I am not a “hater” (okay maybe a bit, but these days who isn’t)
  4. No, I do not hate love. If you must know, I have a boyfriend who I love with everything that I am ( I love him so much it make sme sick at times).. yes I did just say that. I can see you raising your eyebrow thinking am obviously a crazy person, I AM NOT.
  5. No, I am not secretly a lesbian (and even if I was, I would probably be proud of it because I know I would be dating one hot babe..maybe not Angelina Jolie or Rihanna but pretty close. I have that much game). As I was saying, I am not a lesbian who can not celebrate it in my country with my girl because we would probably be arrested or deported to God knows where.
  6. No, I am not broke and using anything else as an excuse to get out of being in the valentine’s mood. (truth be told, I have K4 in my account and I can very well buy him a lollipop if I wanted…don’t judge me)
  7. No, It has nothing to do with my religion (I think)
  8. No, It’s not because my boyfriend is miles away for like 2 more months.
  9. NO, I am not doing this because I will get paid (though I wish I was)

Now since we have gotten that out-of-the-way, we are now on the same page. Now you know there will be no biasness or bad blood because I am an adult and I just love writing. It wont be personal, Just Blogging.

At this point the only thing I can say to all thee single people out there and the ones whose status on Facebook is saying “its complicated”, do not worry because you will love my posts, and besides you have your family and friends so spend it with them. It will be fine.

And please, if you can I would so love it if you emailed me how you plan on spending your day on the 14th, it will make an excellent post. Please, do so. I might just buy you some chocolate. 🙂

xxx

WHAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT GAINING BLOG FOLLOWERS.

26 Mar

THIS IS MY SIMPLE BLOG CYCLE FROM THE DAY YOU FIRST DISCOVER BLOGGING TO THE DAY IT EVENTUALLY KILLS YOU.

So you have always been a reader, ever since you discovered the deeply hidden pleasure that words bring you, secretly placed between the sacred pages we call books and before you knew it, you were a full blown book junkie. Reading every where and anywhere. If you see writings, you eyes just have to focus on that until you have read it all.

While eating breakfast, your eyes firmly fixed on the cereal box…because somehow it has become interesting.

A time comes when you start going through you “journal phase” and writing in diaries. Not so long after that you are convinced you can be a writer. I mean just look at the awesomeness of the stuff you write.

You flood people’s walls on facebook with you notes and every plain paper in the house has your writings on them. Random stuff that just pops out of your over active brain. What harm is writing going to do to you right?

Then one day someone comes out and tells you…”you know something, you have the makings of a writer..You should start writing for a magazine or something.” But you just say thanks and continue writing those notes.

Watching Television, all you here is people talking about blogs and blogs and blogs and even more blogs. Then like Chris Brown it suddenly hits you. BANG. Straight in the face. Well its more subtle than the way I have put it, but you get the point. MY OWN WEBLOG, NOW WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT??

And then it starts, the begining of the end. Your slow demise….( there is so much exaggeration in this statement but try not to read into it too much)

The phases you will go through until you are no more: (more exaggeration)

PHASE 1: The “I am new here and dont really know what I am doing” Phase

1.  you write your first blog entry and feel good about it…after all it is just for fun. It is not like your are going to be the next Perez Hilton or something like that. Though secretly you wish you were.

2. you tell you friends about it and give them a link to it. I mean come on you are excited, who wouldnt share this?

3. you get good feedback from your friends..this is amazing you think to yourself. You feel like you are the queen of the world or something, or atleast queen of blogging. So you post some more stuff.

4. Then you get comments and compliments from other bloggers about how amazing your blog is. (good feeling right there)

PHASE 2: The ‘I am now a real Blogger” Phase

1. The stats show how you have grown as a blogger and how many people  visit your blog.

2. This makes you feel like you have achieved something awesome. A feeling that only a fellow blogger can understand. Its like when you cook something delicious and people want more…if you are a crappy cook, let me tell you, the feeling is AMAZING.

PHASE 3: The “OMG, 8 followers” phase.

1. you suddenly realise that you have gained a decent number of followers. When did that happen?

2. This is good.

3. all you see now are butterflies and rainbows…if you hate that, imagine whatever you like. But bottom line is you see things.

PHASE 4: The “OMG, 30 followers expecting me to blog about good things” phase

1. then it hits you, dear Lord… How do I prevent myself from disappointing all these people?

2. what if I write Crap and they all laugh at me?

3. What happens when Ellen Degeneres Makes a show about “the worlds worst blogs” and i am number 1?

4. Dear me, what have I done?

PHASE 5: The “coming up with the best topics to wow your followers” phase

1. Back to the “drawing board” or whatever phrase people use when you have to go back to square one and come up with good ideas and stuff.

2.You realise your life isnt really that interesting these days and a voice in your head goes “we are so screwed”.

3. come to me blogging ideas..PLEASE.

PHASE 6: The “Stressing It to the point that you even start to look ugly” phase.

1. what to do?  what to do?

2. Screaming out loud becomes a norm and people start to worry about you?

3. you are always stressed and uneasy.

PHASE 7: The “sleepness nights, until Insomnia becomes your middle name” phase.

1. no more sleep, sleepless nights writing and coming up with new ways to shine. This is too much for you to take.

2. you feel like you have become a slave to the system.

3. You have become a monster.

4. Coffee is now your best friend.

PHASE 8: The “I have Found what to blog about and feel good about myself” phase

1. you feel you have cracked the secret to perfect blogging again.

2. The new blog posts are a bit ‘special’ if you can say that.

3. Not really sure what people will think and part of you wishes they will be kind to you and not murder you with words.

PHASE 9: The” I feel crazy in a Blogger kind of way and without blogging I will die” phase.

1. you are a crazy person now. You are not sure if blogging has anything to do with it. All you know is that, you now just write about anything and everything. And Though you used to have humour in your posts, these days you post make people shit their pants with laughter.

2. you are a blogging lunatic and a wordpress addict.

3. the hits on your blog have now become your life force.

4. you think and therefore you blog.

Okay maybe I have just over analysed everything and Blogging doesnt kill anyone. Who Knows? All I know is as soon as i got my first 6 followers, I felt a new sense of responsibility. Like I was a super hero or something. I had to delivver. Can you imagine superman slacking on his superman duties. He owes it to the people to put on his underwear over his tights (no matter how weird and funny it might look) and save them.

So from one ‘super hero’ to another, let us all go crazy and blog. Even If ‘kills’ us 😀 .

And to the people following my blog, please do not unfollow me because you are good samaritans trying to help me out. Do not even think about it 😀

Seriousness? Wait a minute, this doesnt feel right.

22 Mar

Ever woken up one day and had this unmistakable feeling that you were abducted by aliens who switched your fun and humour filled brain with that of a boring person? Like maybe an uptight lawyer or that guy from accounting whose idea of fun is trying out the new features on his new calculator. You have never felt like that, have you? Well I have. And even more after my birthday.
I feel like I cant be funny anymore and even when I am having a conversation and say something I feel has humour in it, people just stare at me. Like the way i look at a teacher trying to be funny when obviously his jokes suck more than a hooker during ‘free BJ week’.
At first i thought it was the extreme lack of sex, but that doesnt even make any sense. What has sex got to do with anything? Forget than i even brought it up. I feel stupid. Then i started blaming it on my bad hair days. Ever since we went on vacation from school, I have been fighting a losing battle with my own hair. It is so messy i on longer even take pictures anymore…and I am begining to suspect that there are cockroaches and small rodents making a home from it. Sometimes it is making funny sounds and moving on its own…especially when i go outside. Of course i could just wash it, but laziness gets the best of me. And I do not have any shampoo, my sisters used it all up. Or it could be these tight skinny jeans i wear these days…I hear that they can affect a persons behaviour and thoughts, weird right? Iam still pondering on that one. It could be that its just some freaky urban legend.
The awful part is that i am reading a lot of blogs, yes i read… and thinking ‘how come she is so funny?’. Its heart breaking and i am on the verge of mental break down…where the fruit is my FUNNY?

Of course it could just be than I was never a funny person to begin with and people just told me i had a sense of humour to make me feel better about myself…which is cruel. I mean how do you do that to someone? Lie about something that serious, it worse than when i found out that santa was not real. 😦
now i am thinking of all the times that people used to laugh when I say something ‘funny’, they were all probably just thinking i was a retarded girl or something mean like that.
Anyway you also probably think what i am writing is stupid or something and unworthy of your laughter…but can you just pretend you are laughing out loud like everybody on facebook and twitter.
This sucks.

When life Gives you lemons…

5 Mar

I still dont understand why and how “life” has the ability to hand out free lemons. How many trees does it have? Who Harvests them? Is life a physical thing that has hands? i mean does life actually knock on people’s doors all dressed up and says “hey here are your lemons”?

oh well on a serious note, I am sure we all understand what the saying means..If not google it. 😀 okay fine, I am going to share it

if something bad happens to you in your life, make the best out of it because after all it is YOUR life in the end..”

so here is what to do so you do not feel put down and depressed when you end up with “lemons” in your hands.

1. Make lemonade-so straight foward and simple to do

2. Ask for the receipt so you can take them back when you want

3. Sell them to lady Gaga so she can make a dress from them.4. Grow a lemon tree and then in future you can start a lemon selling business.

5. Sqirt them in your enemies eyes- those bums had it coming.

6. ask for tequila and some salt and then get high.

7. Dress up as “life” and start giving them out to random strangers.

8. Throw them at Ban ki moon and act innocent when asked “who threw that?”

9. Throw a tantrum and shout “THIS AINT FAIR..I WANTED CHOCOLATE”

10. wrap them up nicely and mail them to me because i love lemon tea. (thanks in advance)

.

.

I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS..LOL

ultimatemindsettoday

A great WordPress.com site

kelzbelzphotography

My journey - The good, bad and the ugly

booksandopinions.com

The Book Reviews You Can Trust!

EmilyBooks

where Emily and books collide

If Books Could Blog

The written word is the only saviour this world needs.

The Picture Book Review

Reviews of Children's Board Books, Picture Books, Activity Books, and Graphic Novels

WordMothers

Interviews with female authors, word artists, and book industry professionals

MLNewman

Love Is Waiting Where You Least Expect It

Words on a blackboard

In a world of poems, words steal love and put it on a blackboard

Sick and Sick of It

But Still Living The Life

antryump

"A Blog worth reading "

Captain's Log

Life On A Different Plane (The only way to get there is together.)

almostfreeNYC

enjoy NYC on a budget

1 SIGFRIDSSON

ON = TIME

foreverlive777

Just another WordPress.com site

The Struggling Writer

Where the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism is celebrated!

Christa Wojciechowski

Dark Fiction, Delirium, and Digital Marketing