Would you hire this man?

I am still not sure if this letter is real but you have got to wonder.

When I see stuff like this, I know I my parents made the right choice sending me to school. Though at the time, It all seemed like school was all about meeting friends, gossiping, crushes and making fun of teachers. At least I learnt what to do and not to do when applying for a job or anything.

And just in case you do not know, I will just put down one things never to include in a formal letter . no matter how desperate you are

1. Probably not a good idea to state that you want the job of a deceased guy, whose funeral you just happened to attend, they might just think you did it. You know, murdered someone so you can have his job.

But I might be wrong, it is not even like I am some super powered letter writing genius, I have only ever written like three formal letters myself.

• One was to apply for a student lawn
• one was to apply for campus accommodation
• one was apply for an attachment or internship at a mine (I haven’t yet sent this one, well partly because I just want to “chill”his vacation)

I just had to share this. Lets hope you have learnt something.

Obviously the joker / weirdo who wrote the above “letter” was high and his desperation for a job clouded his logic such that he ended up acting on crazy impulse and made a total fool of himself

Obviously the man who sent the sample letter above was just your every day “Go-getter”, he wanted a job and he went after it with everything he had. I will commend him for well putting himself out there at least?

The Month Of Love Is Here

Ah february, the month of love, single people’s worst nightmare and home of valentine’s Day. It is that month when people stop fearing being struck by lightning and wear red, when the streets look like TOMATO PLANET and mismatched couples walk hand in hand looking like love struck retards. If you have a weak stomach, you will be sick for most of this month at the level of PDA you will be seeing.

Love will be in the air and unless you are immune to it, I suggest buying a gas mask or going into quarantine. Because once you catch it, you will no longer be yourself. There are a number of things that will change about you and you will think you have lost your mind. Come to think of it I think you will. Here is just a preview of what you will become:

• You will be losing sleep thinking about them.
• Seeing them will make you heart beat fast and your stomach will feel funny.
• You will stop thinking about yourself and just trying to do things that will make not just you happy, but the both of you.
• You will find yourself wanting to text them and finding out how they are and some other stuff like that.
• You will be missing them, even if you just saw them the day before and want to hang out…even if you are just sitting there doing nothing in their arms,it will give you joy. Talk about being weird
• At times when you see them talking to some one else and enjoying it, you will feel this emotion, I think its called jealousy.
• You may not mind things you used to mind before, like kissing, drinking from the same bottle they just used and ew even worse, use the same tooth-brush.
• If you are a quiet person, you will find that you are telling them things you have never told anyone else because you TRUST them.
• You will start enjoying things like laying on the ground looking at the clouds with them, or even stars. Getting soaked by the rains and not be upset.

I am telling you, by the time you are done, you will not recognise the person you have become.

Just like th people in the pictures below:

I realise that I am like, five days late with this post but, what the heck right? It’s not like you are all even excited, with most of us (I use “us” because saying “you” would just be mean right?), yeah so with most of us being either single or in relationship with our fridges, beds and laptops , its understandable why we dread this month. That one in the year when being single never felt so awkward, we should be calling it “SINGLES AWARENESS DAY” instead of Valentine’s Day. Yeah I said.

Please if you are a freakishly #TeamValentinesDay person do not kill me, because from now until the 15, I will dedicate my blog to nothing but trashing, making fun of and maybe just maybe giving advice on what I know about love.. (Don’t expect too much, I know next to nothing about it…I probably even know more about rocket science than love). This blog will be “love central” and valentine’s day heaven but with a twist because I WILL be cruel or funny depending on what I have for breakfast.

Like for example;

This will put me in a good mood (Good luck to me having this for breakfast, what is this heaven?).

OR

 This will put me in a foul mood… ew are those bugs?? *feels sick*

Now before you come up with a ridiculous conclusion as to while I am going to be making fun of valentines day, let me just clarify some things.

1. No, I am not a bitter single lady who is doing this to make herself feel better about spending it alone.
2. No, I was not once dumped on valentine’s day such that now the thought of celebrating it makes me want to barf or worse Choosing to be institutionalised and then medicated to the point where I forget my own name, just so I can not think about valentine’s day.
3. No, I am not a “hater” (okay maybe a bit, but these days who isn’t)
4. No, I do not hate love. If you must know, I have a boyfriend who I love with everything that I am ( I love him so much it make sme sick at times).. yes I did just say that. I can see you raising your eyebrow thinking am obviously a crazy person, I AM NOT.
5. No, I am not secretly a lesbian (and even if I was, I would probably be proud of it because I know I would be dating one hot babe..maybe not Angelina Jolie or Rihanna but pretty close. I have that much game). As I was saying, I am not a lesbian who can not celebrate it in my country with my girl because we would probably be arrested or deported to God knows where.
6. No, I am not broke and using anything else as an excuse to get out of being in the valentine’s mood. (truth be told, I have K4 in my account and I can very well buy him a lollipop if I wanted…don’t judge me)
7. No, It has nothing to do with my religion (I think)
8. No, It’s not because my boyfriend is miles away for like 2 more months.
9. NO, I am not doing this because I will get paid (though I wish I was)

Now since we have gotten that out-of-the-way, we are now on the same page. Now you know there will be no biasness or bad blood because I am an adult and I just love writing. It wont be personal, Just Blogging.

At this point the only thing I can say to all thee single people out there and the ones whose status on Facebook is saying “its complicated”, do not worry because you will love my posts, and besides you have your family and friends so spend it with them. It will be fine.

And please, if you can I would so love it if you emailed me how you plan on spending your day on the 14th, it will make an excellent post. Please, do so. I might just buy you some chocolate. 🙂

xxx

WHAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT GAINING BLOG FOLLOWERS.

THIS IS MY SIMPLE BLOG CYCLE FROM THE DAY YOU FIRST DISCOVER BLOGGING TO THE DAY IT EVENTUALLY KILLS YOU.

So you have always been a reader, ever since you discovered the deeply hidden pleasure that words bring you, secretly placed between the sacred pages we call books and before you knew it, you were a full blown book junkie. Reading every where and anywhere. If you see writings, you eyes just have to focus on that until you have read it all.

While eating breakfast, your eyes firmly fixed on the cereal box…because somehow it has become interesting.

A time comes when you start going through you “journal phase” and writing in diaries. Not so long after that you are convinced you can be a writer. I mean just look at the awesomeness of the stuff you write.

You flood people’s walls on facebook with you notes and every plain paper in the house has your writings on them. Random stuff that just pops out of your over active brain. What harm is writing going to do to you right?

Then one day someone comes out and tells you…”you know something, you have the makings of a writer..You should start writing for a magazine or something.” But you just say thanks and continue writing those notes.

Watching Television, all you here is people talking about blogs and blogs and blogs and even more blogs. Then like Chris Brown it suddenly hits you. BANG. Straight in the face. Well its more subtle than the way I have put it, but you get the point. MY OWN WEBLOG, NOW WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT??

And then it starts, the begining of the end. Your slow demise….( there is so much exaggeration in this statement but try not to read into it too much)

The phases you will go through until you are no more: (more exaggeration)

PHASE 1: The “I am new here and dont really know what I am doing” Phase

1.  you write your first blog entry and feel good about it…after all it is just for fun. It is not like your are going to be the next Perez Hilton or something like that. Though secretly you wish you were.

2. you tell you friends about it and give them a link to it. I mean come on you are excited, who wouldnt share this?

3. you get good feedback from your friends..this is amazing you think to yourself. You feel like you are the queen of the world or something, or atleast queen of blogging. So you post some more stuff.

4. Then you get comments and compliments from other bloggers about how amazing your blog is. (good feeling right there)

PHASE 2: The ‘I am now a real Blogger” Phase

1. The stats show how you have grown as a blogger and how many people  visit your blog.

2. This makes you feel like you have achieved something awesome. A feeling that only a fellow blogger can understand. Its like when you cook something delicious and people want more…if you are a crappy cook, let me tell you, the feeling is AMAZING.

PHASE 3: The “OMG, 8 followers” phase.

1. you suddenly realise that you have gained a decent number of followers. When did that happen?

2. This is good.

3. all you see now are butterflies and rainbows…if you hate that, imagine whatever you like. But bottom line is you see things.

PHASE 4: The “OMG, 30 followers expecting me to blog about good things” phase

1. then it hits you, dear Lord… How do I prevent myself from disappointing all these people?

2. what if I write Crap and they all laugh at me?

3. What happens when Ellen Degeneres Makes a show about “the worlds worst blogs” and i am number 1?

4. Dear me, what have I done?

PHASE 5: The “coming up with the best topics to wow your followers” phase

1. Back to the “drawing board” or whatever phrase people use when you have to go back to square one and come up with good ideas and stuff.

2.You realise your life isnt really that interesting these days and a voice in your head goes “we are so screwed”.

3. come to me blogging ideas..PLEASE.

PHASE 6: The “Stressing It to the point that you even start to look ugly” phase.

1. what to do?  what to do?

2. Screaming out loud becomes a norm and people start to worry about you?

3. you are always stressed and uneasy.

PHASE 7: The “sleepness nights, until Insomnia becomes your middle name” phase.

1. no more sleep, sleepless nights writing and coming up with new ways to shine. This is too much for you to take.

2. you feel like you have become a slave to the system.

3. You have become a monster.

4. Coffee is now your best friend.

PHASE 8: The “I have Found what to blog about and feel good about myself” phase

1. you feel you have cracked the secret to perfect blogging again.

2. The new blog posts are a bit ‘special’ if you can say that.

3. Not really sure what people will think and part of you wishes they will be kind to you and not murder you with words.

PHASE 9: The” I feel crazy in a Blogger kind of way and without blogging I will die” phase.

1. you are a crazy person now. You are not sure if blogging has anything to do with it. All you know is that, you now just write about anything and everything. And Though you used to have humour in your posts, these days you post make people shit their pants with laughter.

2. you are a blogging lunatic and a wordpress addict.

3. the hits on your blog have now become your life force.

4. you think and therefore you blog.

…

Okay maybe I have just over analysed everything and Blogging doesnt kill anyone. Who Knows? All I know is as soon as i got my first 6 followers, I felt a new sense of responsibility. Like I was a super hero or something. I had to delivver. Can you imagine superman slacking on his superman duties. He owes it to the people to put on his underwear over his tights (no matter how weird and funny it might look) and save them.

So from one ‘super hero’ to another, let us all go crazy and blog. Even If ‘kills’ us 😀 .

And to the people following my blog, please do not unfollow me because you are good samaritans trying to help me out. Do not even think about it 😀

Seriousness? Wait a minute, this doesnt feel right.

Ever woken up one day and had this unmistakable feeling that you were abducted by aliens who switched your fun and humour filled brain with that of a boring person? Like maybe an uptight lawyer or that guy from accounting whose idea of fun is trying out the new features on his new calculator. You have never felt like that, have you? Well I have. And even more after my birthday.
I feel like I cant be funny anymore and even when I am having a conversation and say something I feel has humour in it, people just stare at me. Like the way i look at a teacher trying to be funny when obviously his jokes suck more than a hooker during ‘free BJ week’.
At first i thought it was the extreme lack of sex, but that doesnt even make any sense. What has sex got to do with anything? Forget than i even brought it up. I feel stupid. Then i started blaming it on my bad hair days. Ever since we went on vacation from school, I have been fighting a losing battle with my own hair. It is so messy i on longer even take pictures anymore…and I am begining to suspect that there are cockroaches and small rodents making a home from it. Sometimes it is making funny sounds and moving on its own…especially when i go outside. Of course i could just wash it, but laziness gets the best of me. And I do not have any shampoo, my sisters used it all up. Or it could be these tight skinny jeans i wear these days…I hear that they can affect a persons behaviour and thoughts, weird right? Iam still pondering on that one. It could be that its just some freaky urban legend.
The awful part is that i am reading a lot of blogs, yes i read… and thinking ‘how come she is so funny?’. Its heart breaking and i am on the verge of mental break down…where the fruit is my FUNNY?

Of course it could just be than I was never a funny person to begin with and people just told me i had a sense of humour to make me feel better about myself…which is cruel. I mean how do you do that to someone? Lie about something that serious, it worse than when i found out that santa was not real. 😦
now i am thinking of all the times that people used to laugh when I say something ‘funny’, they were all probably just thinking i was a retarded girl or something mean like that.
Anyway you also probably think what i am writing is stupid or something and unworthy of your laughter…but can you just pretend you are laughing out loud like everybody on facebook and twitter.
This sucks.

When life Gives you lemons…

I still dont understand why and how “life” has the ability to hand out free lemons. How many trees does it have? Who Harvests them? Is life a physical thing that has hands? i mean does life actually knock on people’s doors all dressed up and says “hey here are your lemons”?

oh well on a serious note, I am sure we all understand what the saying means..If not google it. 😀 okay fine, I am going to share it

“if something bad happens to you in your life, make the best out of it because after all it is YOUR life in the end..”

so here is what to do so you do not feel put down and depressed when you end up with “lemons” in your hands.

1. Make lemonade-so straight foward and simple to do

2. Ask for the receipt so you can take them back when you want

3. Sell them to lady Gaga so she can make a dress from them.4. Grow a lemon tree and then in future you can start a lemon selling business.

5. Sqirt them in your enemies eyes- those bums had it coming.

6. ask for tequila and some salt and then get high.

7. Dress up as “life” and start giving them out to random strangers.

8. Throw them at Ban ki moon and act innocent when asked “who threw that?”

9. Throw a tantrum and shout “THIS AINT FAIR..I WANTED CHOCOLATE”

10. wrap them up nicely and mail them to me because i love lemon tea. (thanks in advance)

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I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS..LOL

My simple guide to gaining 2000 facebook friends in a week

Hello there!

Do you think what that man is doing is “facebooking”?

Are you sad and lonely?

Do you feel unappreciated because you have less than 200 facebook friends?

are you bullied daily because you are still in the 3 digit numbers?

would you like to be a facebook celebrity?

Not to worry because your wish is about to come true…after years of daily facebooking and fighting the addiction (well i am still an addict), I am pleased to say that I have found the well hidden secret to having 4000+ contacts when you are not a celebrity. It took a while to sink in but when it finally did, boy was i glad.

Before I even start my simple guide, you must first promise yourself that no matter how absurd the advice sounds, it has worked for some people and you should commit yourself completely to it.

TOP TEN STEPS TO BECOMING A FACEBOOK CELEBRITY:

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Step 1: Come up with a catchy ridiculously long name that discribes who you are and include a celebrity name and Tv character in it e.g Dorcas IamTallAndCreepyWithlongLegs carter salvatore amis. 😀

Step 2: Have a bad girl attitude and dont take shit from anyone… update your info with things like you are the manage of a company called “keeping it sexy corp” and that you went to high school at a school called “too hot to handle me high”. 😀 (always invites people in)

Step 3: Upload half naked pictures of yourself, make sure they are hot, otherwise it wont work. (use your body to get attention) 😀

Step 4: Choose a sexy Profile picture-one where you are in your bra, kneeling on your bed, one hand on your waist and licking a lolipop (black and white works best, i know this because I am a culprit..*.the black and white part not the bra part*) 😀

Step 5: Update really eye catching updates that will have all the guys and girls thinking “OMG” especially about sex and dirty jokes (speaking from experience..)

Step 6: Talk about the parties you attend and upload pictures to prove how blazing it was and how sexy you looked.. (do a peace sign in all your pictures)

Step 7: If you are a girl make sure you have a lot if pictures showing off you cleavege (lean forward so people can see them better..they loooove boobs on facebook)

Step 8: when it is after 10pm post updates like “i am so horny and lonely, wanna chat in my inbox” or “it is freezing, i wish i had someone to keep me warm”

Step 9: Complain about the “haters” you have and insult them, telling them how they remind you of dog shit. this will have people thinking, “damn, this person is hard..let me suggest them to my friends” (mission impossibe)

Step 10: Befriend all the well known people and add them to you relatives list e.g  having a lot of cousins, fathers, mothers, daughters, grandfathers in your info. They should also have long name and cool profile pictures.

well thats about it, if that doesnt work i dont know what will. 😀 😀 😀

Home Alone Confessions

No this has nothing to do with that movie “Home Alone”.

Every once in a while we find ourselves home alone and then we are overwhelmed by this feeling of absolute power…like you are a greek god or something. So happy like you can do anything now, without a care in the world. no parents siblings and no children..whoo

So here Iam home alone, a list of things to do to choose from and the one thought that was on my mind was “How do I make a blog entry from this?’ then It hit me…like a slap on the face *smack*

“The top five things to do when you are home alone and you are certain that no one is coming back soon to find you doing them”  yeah not very catchy i know, but you get the point.

1.   Walk around in nothing but your underwear and socks

Okay this is a must do for everyone, it is that one slice of heaven i really enjoy. So as soon as they say bye, lock the door (just in case they come back unexpectedly) and after 30 minutes when you are  sure they are not coming back..Boom. off comes the clothes and on comes the underwear parade. but if you are really daring and want to feel even more “liberated”, why not go butt naked. But make sure your windows are closed, we dont want any trouble.

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2.   Have a “sock skating” competition by yourself

My mom always used to stop me from putting on my socks and sliding around in the house..especially in the passage way. something about it being dangerous or something. so now whenever i am home alone, that is the second thing i do. I call it sock skating and since our passage way is really long it just adds a cherry to the cake.

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3.  Play really loud music and pretend you are in a rock band

if you dont love bon jovi now would be a good time to start. start playing “its my life” or “have a nice day” really loud and try to sing louder than they do. shout your lungs out and play a fake guitar. okay fine if you are not rock fan..blast the roof with LMFAO’s “party rock anthem” and shuffle like there is no tomorrow.

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4.  Eat like a pig and feel no shame about it

yes i said it…now unless the food in your house is counted, no one will know you ate up a storm. I suggest having your cereal, yoghurt, icecream,maple cyrup, fruit, chocolate sauce and custard all in  one gigantic bowl… 🙂

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5.  Ignore Every knock at the door

the one thing that will ruin your temporally heaven are people constantly knocking and asking to see people who are not around. whoever it is, just pretend you are not home, It doesnt matter if they are jehovas witnesses, the electricity bill people, just ignore it…though the loud music will kinda give you away 😀

but that is just me, some people will have house parties, sex orgies, a fake marriage ceremony, make a porno, invite the hobos over and even turn the house into a studio. But i am not that ambitious and i am a coward so i will stick to my top five 😀

I am not lazy..i just dont like waking up EARLY

I dont understand why people say i am lazy. I mean okay sure I wake up like after 10am sometimes and spend most of my time indoors on my phone, laptop or watching movies without having a decent job( okay i have never had a job before in my life). But thats normal right? Its  not like i am a bum or anything, just a girl that likes her sleep and not doing anything that requires me to go outside my gate and do stuff.

I woke up at 7am today it isnt going so well, my eyes hurt, my throat feels sore and I could swear I am coming up with flu. Now tell me is it worth it…i feel freaking awful and believe me i am never doing this again. It is my conclusion that waking up early is the number one cause of deaths among youths. I just need to prove it first.

People live longer when all they do is eat, sleep, shower, shit, Facebook, Tweet and make wordpress blogs (that other people may never even see or appreciate)

My wish is to get a ‘job’ that will make me rich but that i can do at home, in my bed…tucked comfortably in my sheets with loud rock music playing in the background. But I am guessing that is too much of a stretch, huh?

It would suck if i had to get a job in an office, and wear a suit and stileto heels…oh God NO. that kind of future would kill me.

So here i am, at exactly 9:30am and wondering what the hell i am doing up..the dreams i could be having right now. This reality stuff is just boring and stressful.

So No mother and father I am not LAZY. I am reserving my energy for the future when giant chickens and rodents take over and i am the planet’s ONLY hope.